Thursday, June 14, 2007

Meditation practice

So I pick up this Getting in the Gap book with a meditation CD.
What the hell? I read the book. It's a little OK (yeah that's something I
just termed). Not getting in the book so much, I listen to the CD - with my
headphones on, lying or sitting in a comfortable position as instructed. He
starts talking. OK so far, yeah everyone of these people have to do their
introduction stuff (afterall, how to you expect to sell more and what if people
just blow off the book completely?).

Now, we're going into the zone...oh, excuse me the GAP.

What the crap? The OOOOOMMMMM starts to burn my ears out. It's so deep throaty,
full of basso produndo. I'm a little worried that this guy is giving me blow
job in my ear!!! I've never heard anyone OOOMMM like that in my life...even on
cheap dates. Hell, I've never gone into the dead zone when I don't want to
listen to someone.

Is this guy for real? How in the hell can I meditate when I'm getting blow job
for the eardrums? I can't concentrate. OOOOOOMMMMMMM.

To hell with it. I'll try something else. This is supposed to make me slow down
and relax. I've never been so tense in my life. This is supposed to help
"heal" me. I have MS - it doesn't have me. And neither does Dr. Author -- unless
he buys me a drink (a few) before he gives me an OOOOMMMMMM.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Under the Influence

So the drugs seem to be working for the depression and anxiety. The one for the insomnia is good too. Perhaps too good. I need almost 12 hours of sleep. Ok, 8 at least. I don't want to wake up in the morning. The body works. I feel like pulling my ass out of bed; the brain kicks in and says it's time to get up, but the eyes don't want to open. It's not that there's a pain, but it's not pleasant. It's like the portion of my brain that controls the eyes sends the signal to open up, but the eyes send a message back of "Fuck you. Take 20 more minutes."

So the last week or so I've been testing a few things. I roll out of bed, keeping my eyes closed, and move the bathroom. Feeling my way like a blind person. My only fear is that I have to go down the hallway to the bathroom. As I pass, the stairs are there. I'm always grasping for the wall to make sure I don't fall down the stairs.

Once I'm in the shower, things start to work. I wake up. I have been a morning shower person for a number of years. But now it seems I need the shower to actually activate myself in the morning.

Yesterday, I decided not to take the insomnia medicine. I went out with friends and had two tall Bud Light beers. I figured it probably wasn't good to mix sleeping medicine with alcohol. Although, in the "old days" i wouldn't have any problem with two beers - or more.

I came home, thinking the beers (which I chase down with about 10 glasses of iced tea) would be enough to make me sleep. Well, WRONG. My brain just didn't shut off. It pissed me off. So I tossed and turned all night, until I decided to get my ass out of bed at 10 a.m. Since I took the day off, it didn't matter.

I got in the shower and now I'm fine to go for the day. Strange. I'll keep you posted.