The Drug Culture

Back in the 60's, there was a thing called the "drug culture." I'm not so sure that should have been the official era. What was illegal then, and in some ways morally appalling, we accept now days. Sure it's not the illegal stuff that many of the hippies were doing, but are we any different?

I've tried to not do the drug "therapies" for the depression or the MS. Honestly, I'm scared of the side effects. But I had to give in. It was too much to deal with. Benefit? Lack of appetite. So I'm hoping for the 8 pack that the 16 year old has...he doesn't work out so it's a genetics thing. i should be so lucky.

So I've been doing the drug thing for the depression for a week now. It's no big deal except that I feel...well, crappy but good. In some respects my brain still wants me to be depressed. My body feels OK - a little tired. But overall I don't feel anything. So I feel little cheated. I don't feel giddy and peppy...and high like a hippy. I don't feel low or blue or bummed. I feel...neutral.

I want to be depressed, but can't be. I want to be happy, but can't be. I want to be me, but don't feel like I am. i honestly don't know what I feel. Do I even feel? Well, yes, because I slammed by knee with a hammer today. I FELT that. But I don't feel...emotionally. I'm not numb like MS is supposed to do with the extremeties. I feel emotionally neutral

I had to say farewell to the 16 year old yesterday but felt like it was OK not to be sad. Not that I won't see him again, but it was a moment that I wanted to share with him and would be...empty... to be without him for a while.

This is why I hate the drugs. I want to feel. I just don't to feel depressed all the time. My god, I feel like Spock. No emotions. But isn't that what makes us human? Are we allowing the drugs - and by using them, making excuses...not to be human? What kind of culture are we creating?

Discovering What I'm Trying to Do

Discovering what I'm trying to do while in the process of doing it. Seems like a hard way to work it out. But it's all I've got right now.

Today was another day. For some reason I decided that I wanted to be like Spalding Gray and write a performance monologue. I took a class at Playhouse in the Park a while ago to learn how to write monologues. It was an interesting class. Then yesterday I had lunch with a friend who said that I was blogging before blogging was blogging.

A few years ago, while in a dead end job, I started "characterizing" my adventures in the office. I wrote little "episodes" and emailed the missive to friends. Soon I had a cult-like following. I then parlayed that into a standup routine that got me to the semi-finals of the Funniest Person contest at a local comedy club.

So today while I was having another sadness episode ('cause I still haven't quite figured out the depression thing) I thought back to Spalding Gray. I really don't know much about him except that he is revered as a monlogist and that he committed suicide in 2004 because of depression. Can depression be that bad?

I decided to check out his last book "Life Interupted." The beginning quote is adapted from the forward of the book. It seemed a good title. In addition, I liked the title of "Life Interrupted." That's what I feel like when I battle this MS and sadness. My life is interrupted.

So how do I go on?

Like Gray, I'll create a monoloue. Like I did years ago, I'll create it in cyberspace. Only this time there's a real cyberspace to post it.

I read recently that a local woman is writing and producing a play based on her experiences with MS. I want to use this blog for the same purposes. I have another blog that's my comedy rantings. I think I'll leave that one there. This one helps me to deal with my life interruptions.

Only the Beginning

There's an old Chicago tune with lyrics "only the beginning." I'm reminded of that today. In November I was given the diagnois of "You have MS."

OK.

That was it. I was handed some pamphlets and told that I would need a spinal tap to really confirm the diagnosis. I wasn't going through with that. I think after three MRI's that was all I needed to know.

I don't have the kind where I'm in pain all the time. I have the kind that will affect my vision, memory and I'll be depressed.

OK.

How much more depressing can it get?

A lot.

I did some research into MS. I think it's fair to say they don't know much about it. But, "they," like me are learning.

And that's what I intend to do. Continue to learn.

But today reminded me that it's only the beginning. It was a fairly good day. Not like those back in January. Boy, were those day's bad. But, I had "sadness" for a while a few hours ago. I felt inadequte, that I was not worthy. Not that I'm suicidal - not yet anyway. But sometimes this is just tough to know that you're not all right.

I'm bolstered by a comment Montel Williams has made: "You have MS, it doesn't have you." He didn't say that to me personally. I read it somewhere. But it's true. I have MS, it doesn't have me.

Since the neurologist tells me that my type of MS will affect my memory and creative brain functions, I decided to keep pushing my creativity. Therefore, this blog.

Like Spaulding Gray, this could become a monologue for a play.

It's only the beginning.