A few posts back, I wrote that I didn't understand the depths of Spalding Gray's depression that could cause him to take his life. He was such a creative and happy person by all accounts. How could one get that depressed?
Yesterday, I experienced my worst bout of depression yet. I cried for 2 hours. How does a grown man cry - for no reason - for two hours? It took my until 11 a.m. this morning to recover. If it can be called recovery. I'm wiped out. I feel like I have th flu. I want to sleep forever. My brain was continuing to reel from all kinds of thoughts: write this episode in the blog, call for medical help, rehearse scene three again, my lead has strep and we open the show in five days. Mostly I was trying everything to change my thought process. The 14-year-old wanted to know what was wrong, but I think he's smarter than I give him credit for. He knew. But it cuts you when you hear "I'm so sad for you." Those words and the big brown eyes looking at you with fear, pity - caring, well, it helps.
The picture of his face burned in my mind. I focused on him. And those words. He was scared. I was scared. I didn't know what was happening - well, I did, but I wasn't sure why it was happnening. Apparently that's the thing with MS. The depression can come that quickly.
I was lucky. It's over right now. I had some lunch, sat with the dog, and dug out the laptop to write this. The tears are gone. The memories are not. I don't want it again. I'm not so foolish to think that it's gone. But knowing the 14-year-old is there... (the 16-year-old is too, but he's more emotional than the 14. The 16 year-old admits he's worried. "I am worried." Not the typical 16-year-old slang and contractions of words - straight, full-blown, correct English "I am worried." ) Both of them are my heroes. I make it through because of them. I have something to fight for.
Montel Williams once said, "I have MS, it doesn't have me."
It almost did yesterday. But I focused on something - someone(s) - positive and came through.
I'm learning that depression isn't something to be taken lightly. I'm learning more about Spalding each day. And I'm grateful.