Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Drug Culture

Back in the 60's, there was a thing called the "drug culture." I'm not so sure that should have been the official era. What was illegal then, and in some ways morally appalling, we accept now days. Sure it's not the illegal stuff that many of the hippies were doing, but are we any different?

I've tried to not do the drug "therapies" for the depression or the MS. Honestly, I'm scared of the side effects. But I had to give in. It was too much to deal with. Benefit? Lack of appetite. So I'm hoping for the 8 pack that the 16 year old has...he doesn't work out so it's a genetics thing. i should be so lucky.

So I've been doing the drug thing for the depression for a week now. It's no big deal except that I feel...well, crappy but good. In some respects my brain still wants me to be depressed. My body feels OK - a little tired. But overall I don't feel anything. So I feel little cheated. I don't feel giddy and peppy...and high like a hippy. I don't feel low or blue or bummed. I feel...neutral.

I want to be depressed, but can't be. I want to be happy, but can't be. I want to be me, but don't feel like I am. i honestly don't know what I feel. Do I even feel? Well, yes, because I slammed by knee with a hammer today. I FELT that. But I don't feel...emotionally. I'm not numb like MS is supposed to do with the extremeties. I feel emotionally neutral

I had to say farewell to the 16 year old yesterday but felt like it was OK not to be sad. Not that I won't see him again, but it was a moment that I wanted to share with him and would be...empty... to be without him for a while.

This is why I hate the drugs. I want to feel. I just don't to feel depressed all the time. My god, I feel like Spock. No emotions. But isn't that what makes us human? Are we allowing the drugs - and by using them, making excuses...not to be human? What kind of culture are we creating?

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